Sex Questions: Part II

Here are the answers that I have for the remaining questions. You can see all the questions asked Week One of the Sex Series and Part I of my answers here. I'm sure the next three weeks of the series will produce further questions, so check back regularly as I answer them here on the blog.

* Is it a sin if your other half swings and you're ok with it but you don't?
My answer to this question is a resounding yes, you are in sin, both of you. You have to remember that sex outside of the marriage covenant of one man and one woman is outside of God's boundaries that He has designated. You are allowing your spouse to commit adultery, even if it is permitted adultery. That's like being the parent of a teenager who smokes marijuana and you want to know if they are breaking the law, even though you are okay with them doing it. The answer is still yes. The law is being broken. Here is where my biggest concern is: what kind of condition is your relationship in with your spouse that you are okay with them having sex with people other than you? That is not a healthy relationship; in fact, it is one that is probably on the verge of divorce. You are either extremely insecure and are afraid to speak out against your spouse or you are extremely naive to how damaging these actions are to your marriage. Either way, you need to ask your spouse to stop immediately, and you two need to seek marriage counseling.

* What if your only partner is your husband, but you had sex before marriage? Is that still going to condemn me to hell in God’s eyes? We were engaged and had made a covenant to each other.

Yes, sex before marriage will condemn you in God's eyes. Can you be forgiven in God's eyes, yes, when the sin confessed,repented, and surrendered to God. This means that people who do this habitually can't just say, "Lord forgive me" everyday as they engage in sex outside of marriage. Repentance means turning away from the sin and to God. Now, about the covenant you made to each other. That sounds all sweet and cuddly, but here's the deal: you did not make a covenant to each other. If you were really committed to each other you would have had gotten married earlier or waited before having sex. People who choose not to get married and opt for shacking up instead have basically said, without words, "I'm with you until something better comes or I'm tired of you." A true, biblical covenant between a man and a woman will not be some pinky-promise in which we make ourselves feel better for accommodating our sinful desires.

* What is marriage? Is it the vow we take or the actions in sex? If it is sex, then were we considered married before in God’s eyes if we had sex before marriage?

This is a great question. In the biblical days, there were formal weddings and ceremonies. We see this when Jesus goes to the wedding banquet and turns water into wine. The "icing on the cake" if you will, was the act of sex to consummate the marriage; when they got home, not at the banquet :-). In a our current culture and society, rarely do man and woman wait until making their vows of commitment and legally marrying before having sex. Does it make them married in God's eyes if they have, no. Does it make them fornicators (people who had sex before marriage), yes. Marriage is marriage. The state doesn't see you as married unless you do it legally, and we are to follow the laws of the land according the Scripture, so marriage is marriage and sex is sex. The order should be 1. a legal and binding marriage, recognized by the state and God. 2. sex between the husband and wife after the legal and spiritual commitment has been made.

* So no sex before marriage, is marriage the commitment to each other or the legal recognition of that commitment?

Same answer as the question above.