A Marriage Myth that Needs to Die

As someone who counsels and talks with a lot of married people, I come across a lot of different scenarios. I see both older and younger couples hitting roadblocks in their marriages and relationships. I encounter people who really want their marriages to be healthy and enjoyable, but have struggles they often don't know how to overcome. Like a storm which creates waves that threaten to sink a boat at sea, trials and tribulations bang up against many fragile marriages, threatening to sink them. 

But interestingly, I found one common factor in many of these situations. I have spotted a lie that is passed around and believed hook, line, and sinker.

You want to know what it is? Wait for it...

Good marriages don't have problems, bad ones do. 

X!!!!!! [FAMILY FEUD BUZZER SOUNDS]

In the words of the professor from Waterboy, "Well, folks, mama's wrong again."

We live under a lie and illusion in our culture that there are good marriages and bad marriages. Good ones are believed to be those where there are no issues. Bad ones are the one's that have conflict, struggles, and trials. But this is a lie. 

There are good marriages and bad ones, but it is not based on whether or not you have struggles and conflicts. Every marriage has conflict. Every marriage has struggles. Every marriage has some issues that need to be addressed and cleaned up. This is not the mark of a bad marriage. 

A Bad Marriage

No, the mark of a bad marriage is the one that has all these issues, yet does not deal with them. That is a bad marriage. A bad marriage is the one that tries to band-aid problems by not dealing with them. A bad marriage is the one that thinks ignoring problems will make them go away. A bad marriage tries to keep "peace" by not having hard conversations. 

A Good Marriage

In contrast, good marriages, which are also marked by struggles, conflicts, and trials, deal with issues. A good marriage admits there are problems and seek solution. A good marriage is one that can comfortably admit it is not perfect, but is striving to become so. A good marriage faces the realities confronting the relationship and seek to honor Christ and surrender to his guidance and will. A good marriage is marked by imperfect people who don't pretend or act as if they are perfect. A good marriage is marked by a lot of apologies. A good marriage is saturated with forgiveness and grace. A good marriage seeks not one's own needs, but the needs of the other.

This is why, to our shock and dismay, a good marriage can be one that goes to marriage counseling. A good marriage is one where sometimes hard conversations damper our spirits. But this is not a bad thing. It is healthy. 

Sometimes in order to heal physically, you have to break and cut in order to repair. A marriage is no different. In a relationship as dynamic as a marriage, sometimes you have to injure in order to get stronger. Sometimes you must cut so you can be healthier. This is a good marriage.

So...

Next time you are feeling down and depressed because you think your marriage is bad, ask yourself this question: do I think my marriage is bad because we are having some difficulties or because we are not dealing with our problems? If it is the former, then you do not necessarily have a bad marriage. If it is the latter, then you do.  So fix it.

You may never be problem-free in your marriage - and by "may never be" I mean you won't - but if you deal with the problems in your marriage, you are in a good marriage. The bad ones are not the one's with issues, but the one's that do not deal with their issues. Big difference.

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4 Tips for Implementing Prayer in Your Marriage

The old adage goes "A couple that prays together, stays together." That's only a clever saying without any real statistical evidence, right? Wrong. 

A Gallup poll conducted a study specifically on that question found that only 1% of all couples that prayed together daily got divorced (1 in 1156 couples). That is an amazing statistic when you consider that the national statistic is 50% of all marriages end in divorce.

The University of Texas, San Antonio, did a research project for the "Journal of Marriage and Family" of 1387 couples. The study found that couples who share practices such as Bible reading and prayer in the home had strong marriages and a higher degree of satisfaction in their relationship. 

However, most statistics bear witness that most couples are not spending time in Bible reading or prayer. It is estimated that only 4% of Christian couples pray together. Did you catch that? Christian couples! 

Only 1% of couples who pray together are likely to get divorced, yet only 4% of Christian couples pray together. This is why Christian couples have the same divorce rate as non-Christians.

Christian couples need to start praying together; it's good for their marriage and the longevity of it. If there is a "duh" sentence in this entire blog, it is that one. But while it may be a big ole "duh," it is not happening. 

So how can you start implementing prayer together? Here are some thoughts:

1. Talk to your spouse about your desire to begin praying together daily. 

When you share your desire with your spouse, share with them these statistics. Read the article to them or send it to them. You may find your spouse desires to do this too, but felt insecure about bringing it up. 

2. Acknowledge you have insecurities praying aloud together and then get over it. 

I know that sounds harsh, but you have to get over it. It is okay to acknowledge having insecurities about praying. The reason we have insecurities with praying aloud with our spouse is that they know our junk and that we are not perfect. This makes us feel hypocritical trying to "act all spiritual." But praying together is not acting spiritual. It is a vital and much needed element in your marriage. Quit being insecure. Realize that neither of you are perfect. Understand your prayer is not graded. And focus in on talking to God together with your spouse.

3. Figure out what time of the day works for you, schedule it, and do it. 

Not every couple can commit to the same time as others. Perhaps you and your spouse would have to do different times on different days due to schedule. But the key is to plan it and do it. Don't wimp out when you feel the insecurity and fear welling up. Determine to begin building the habit. Grab your spouse by the hand, say "It's time to pray," then do it.

4. Create a prayer plan/schedule.

A prayer plan or schedule is a list of things you can pray for as a couple. You need to pray for each other and your children daily. You can also pray for those pressing needs in your or a loved one's life. But you may also decide to pray together for a number of other things. For example: Mondays you can pray for your church and leaders. Tuesdays could be reserved for your children's teacher(s). Wednesdays could be prayer for the President, our government officials, and country. Thursday could be prayer for each others parents/siblings/nephews/nieces. Fridays can focus on friends. Saturdays are good for focusing on church services the next day. Sundays are perfect for praying for each other's spiritual growth. This is only an example schedule. You can create your own list and your own days.

Couples that pray together stay together. The old adage is actually true. Statistics bear it out. So take these tips and start implementing them. It's the closest thing to divorce-proofing your marriage.

Why do you believe so few Christian couples pray together regularly? Leave your thoughts in the comment section below.

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3 Ways You May Be Undermining Your Marriage/Relationships

I am big Predators fan. We love hockey in my house. A few years ago the Nashville Predators were fresh off a first-round defeat of their arch nemesis, the Detroit Redwings. The Predators beat them in 5 games. Their next opponent in the playoffs were the Phoenix Coyotes. Most Predator fans thought this was the year we were going to make a deep run in the playoffs, perhaps to a Stanley Cup. We were poised to do it. We had great players. We had momentum. We had confidence. Everyone in Nashville was a believer. 

Then the news came out that two of Nashville's best players, Alexander Radulov and Andrei Kostitstyn, had been suspended for two games due to a violation of team rules. These two guys, the day before a big playoff game, stayed out until the morning hours partying. They broke the team curfew and did their own thing. The result? They were suspended for two games. The Predators lost both of those games. They lost the series. And their magical playoff run was suddenly a fantasy that never materialized. 

Why do I share this sports story to start a post on marriage? Because what these two guys did was undermine their own team's success. These players hurt their own team. And I believe that couples every day are doing the same thing. Every day couples are doing things that are undermining their relationship. I believe that marriages and relationships suffer more from the actions of one another than any other source. Though you may be doing unknowingly, certain behaviors, attitudes, and actions will destroy your relationship.

Here are 3 ways you may be undermining your marriage.

1. Holding Unrealistic and Unspoken Expectations

Every person has expectations. Whether you realize it or not, you have formed expectations about how things in this life should go. This includes marriage and relationships. You have formed expectations for your relationship. You have created in your mind how life in your home is supposed to look, how your spouse should respond to you, how your family should spend Friday nights, and many more.

Where do these expectations come from? Most of our expectations for relationships have formed over time. They formed during childhood as you grew up in your home. Your expectations also are shaped by television shows, movies, your friends, and other places. Most people never sit down and determine to map out their expectations for our how marriage and family should look. It develops gradually, through experiences and other influences, most times unknowingly. 

Expectations can be dangerous because most times, they are unrealistic. We expect our spouse to live up to some movie scene we have in our mind. We want arguments to resolve themselves like they did on the Cosby Show, where everything is neat and tidy at the end of thirty minutes. More disappointment than can be imagined follows when a spouse realizes their expectations are not being met. However, perhaps we need to reevaluate what those expectations are and how we came to them.

Not only can our expectations be unrealistic, they are most often unspoken. So not only do we have unrealistic expectations, we do not share them.Despite this, we still get grossly offended when our loved one doesn't comport with our wishes. We act as if they should know our hidden standard of perfection. 

We undermine our marriage and relationships when we carry these unrealistic and unspoken expectations. Our marriages are not about our expectations being met. It is about two people, coming together as one, and establishing mutual expectations of how the relationship should look and function. We hurt our relationships when we live our lives measuring everyone's actions against our unspoken decrees of how things should be. 

A good exercise for you to do is begin questioning how you arrived at the expectations you have. Next time you feel offended that your spouse did not do what you wanted, ask yourself how you arrived at the conclusion that they should do what you want. What you will begin to find is that there are a lot of unrealistic and unspoken expectations swirling around your mind that come leaping out as some as they are violated.

2. Insisting on Getting Your Own Way

This point flows naturally from the previous one. If you want to undermine a relationship, determine to always have your way. Insisting on your own way can become the standoff between spouses. When both spouses are determined they are going to win, nobody wins. When spouses draw the line in the sand and refuse to back down from getting what they want, both lose.

These are turf wars. Turf wars will kill a relationship like no other. You have all experienced turf wars. It is fighting for the sake of winning the argument and gaining the turf. Turf wars will cause us to act in ways that are silly, simply because we don't want to give in. We don't want to admit fault or failure. We don't like to admit sin and selfishness. So we insist on having our own way, and we are willing to fight to the death to ensure victory. The problem: in a turf war, nobody really wins.  

Why is this? Insisting on getting our own way is the very opposite of how marriage should function. In Genesis 2:24 the Bible says about marriage, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." In marriage, two individuals who have lived their entire lives for themselves, are joined together to make one person. In marriage we must lose the "I" and "me" language and adopt the "us" and "we" language. When you enter into marriage, you forfeit your individual rights. You no longer belong to yourself. You are now joined together with another. The same is true for your spouse. 

This is why fighting to get your own way completely undermines marriage. It strikes against the very fabric of what a marriage is supposed to be. You are both called to die to your own ways, and together decide what is best. The apostle Paul, when defining love, gives this descriptor: "it does not insist on its own way." (1 Corinthians 13:5). Why is insisting on your own way damaging to your relationship? Because it is unloving. It is the opposite of the way of love. 

Next time you and your spouse are in an argument, ask yourself the question: am I insisting on my own way? If yes, ask yourself: why do I feel the need to have my way? Probe further: is this about winning a turf battle or do I have legitimate reason for my position?

3. Focusing on Your Own Needs

This last factor in undermining your marriage is crucial to grasp. I cannot tell you the number of people I have counseled who have made a statement similar to this: "They are just not meeting my needs any more." That line sounds like it has been taken directly from a movie or novel. It sounds like a legitimate reason to be unhappy with your spouse, except it isn't. 

The focus for your marriage should not be your own needs. Your focus should be on the needs of your spouse. That's right. Not your needs, your spouse's needs. Some people don't like reading or hearing that. But it is true. 

The reason for this is that when two people are both focusing on themselves and their needs, neither are going to have their needs met. The two will play tug-of-war against each other. Compare these two approaches. The first couple approaches their relationship with the mentality: "they better meet my needs." With that mentality, they are both focused on themselves and whether the other is sufficiently doing what they desire. The second couple approaches their relationship with the mentality: "I'm going to focus on meeting their needs." With that mentality, they are focused on meeting the needs of the other, but in the process, have their own needs met. 

This is the irony of it all. When spouses focus on having their own needs met, both will go unmet. This leaves both unsatisfied and hopeless. But when both focus on the needs of the other, both find their own needs met. Both are satisfied in their relationship. It is amazing how this works. 

So if you want to undermine your relationship, focus on having your own needs met. If you truly desire for your needs be met, quite focusing on them, and begin serving the needs of your spouse. Make their needs your greatest priority and concern. You may find that serving others and dying to your selfishness leads to greater joy and satisfaction. Who would have thought?

Conclusion

These three ways of undermining your marriage can happen at any time. You must stay on guard against these. If you are currently doing any of these three things, I recommend you do two things:

First, repent from these actions and confess before God that they are selfish and wrong. Ask God to give you strength to turn from these behaviors and to make the necessary changes. Philippians 4:13 reminds us that we can do all things through Christ who strengthen us. This includes making changes to better our relationships.

Second, go and apologize to your spouse. One of the healthiest practices you can engage in with your spouse is to apologize for wrongs. Inform them that you want to change these things. Ask them to forgive you and give them permission to call you out next time they witness these behaviors.

If you can learn to constantly engage in these last two recommended practices, you are sure to have a healthy marriage for many years to come. Let's stop undermining our marriages, and instead, begin to build them to last.

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Dating to Marry

The title of my post gives away the point I want to convey - Dating to Marry. This concept is foreign to most in our culture. In fact, marriage itself is postponed later and later by most people. Some will read this and think I sound archaic, unrealistic, or uncultured (or all the above). Others will read and think the idea is good, but go on doing what they have always done. They'll deem it unpractical. Regardless, I want to make my case.

The State of Dating Today

Unfortunately we live in a society which portrays behaviors from shows like Jersey Shore and The Bachelor/ette as normal. These shows, and many like them, encourage hookups and serial dating. We very rarely witness people approach dating with an eye on marriage. Most people date casually without the slightest bent toward evaluating if the person/people they are dating are marriage material. 

Most relationships today are built on sex. In fact, many relationships today started with a sexual encounter, a random hookup. Even when that is not how the relationship started, it often becomes why the relationship continues to exist. Is the sex good? Do we have it often enough? Are we sexually satisfied and compatible with each other? These are now the questions that get asked in the relationship. When they are not answered in the affirmative, the relationship is over.

So we date someone for a few weeks or months. We have sex with them. Things don't work out. The process starts over again. Throw in a few hookups that come on the heels of your latest breakup, and before you know it, you have experienced a few years with no relationships of any real substance and a long resume of sexual partners.

Sadly, this is the regular experience of many people. None of them feel satisfied or fulfilled in this vicious cycle, yet most keep repeating the cycle. 

A New Approach

I want to suggest a new approach - dating to marry. Dating to marry does not mean that on the first date you have to ask someone if they are ready to marry.  It is a commitment to date with an eye on evaluating whether the person is marriage material. What does this look like?

Some questions worth asking yourself: Can I have deep and meaningful friendship with this person? Are they responsible? Are they a person of character? Do they act mature? Would they be a faithful spouse? What kind of parent would they be? Are they generous and kind to others? Are we compatible with our faith and beliefs? Do we share a common vision about life and how we should approach it? 

These questions, along with many others, begin to help one evaluate someone through the eyes of a spouse. Why is this important? Because these questions are the ones that ultimately matter in real life. When you are casually dating or looking to score the hookup, you don't worry about these things. You are only in it for the fun, for the momentary pleasures. But you also get the unfulfilling results of the hookup relationship. 

Notice that I never asked a question about sex. The reason is because I do not believe that is the most important issue when considering a spouse. Life is about more than sex. Relationships are about more than sex. If you build a relationship on sex, and nothing else, that relationship with crumble. But this is how most teenagers and twenty-somethings are approaching dating. (Footnote: I think it is a waste of time for teenagers to date at all, but that is a different post for a different day) 

My Two Cents

Here is my advice to people, plain and simple. If you are not someone who is ready to marry, don't date. What is the point of dating if you are not in a place in life where you are ready to marry? You don't date so you can have a friend, there are plenty of people, of both sexes, that you can have a friendship with. Do you date for sex? According to God's Word, sex is most fulfilling and most satisfying, and most healthy, when it is experienced in the covenant relationship of marriage. Is that popular today? No. Is this looked at as outdated? Yep. But that does not change the reality of it. God's blessing is found in living God's way. 

So you don't need to date to have friends. And you don't need to have sex until you are married. In light of this, you should only date when you are willing to marry someone and you should date with an eye toward the person being marriage material. If you begin dating someone and you realize the person is not marriage material, you should gently and graciously end it.

This may seem crazy to people. But let me tell you what I think is crazy. As a pastor who sees and hears story after story of heartbreak, disappointment, and guilt from bad and ungodly relationships, I think it is crazy to keep approaching relationships in the same way, expecting to get a different result. That is crazy. So perhaps you should approach dating a different way. I suggest that it is God's way. And if you do it, I believe you will get God's results. That's my two cents.  


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Fighting With Your Spouse in Light of the Gospel

Every married couple will have arguments. It does not matter if you are Christian or not. There are several reasons why we fight with one another: 1. because the other one is always wrong (figured I would get that one out of the way), 2. because both people are sinners, 3. because both people are different from one another, and 4. because both people are sinners (did I mention this one already?).

As a couple, dating or married, you are different from one another. You have different backgrounds, different experiences, different personalities, different likes, different insecurities, different expectations, and the list goes one. The reason you will have arguments with one another is because you married someone different than you. The reason you married someone different from you is because you cannot marry yourself, because of this, you will have arguments.

The other big cause for trouble in our relationships is sin. In addition to marrying someone different than you, you married a sinner. Yep, that's right, they are a sinner. And so are you. Because we marry sinners, and our spouse's marry sinners, there will be clashes in the relationship. We will show a lack of self-control. We will fail at being slow to anger, as the Bible says, and instead, have outbursts of anger. We will lack patience, compassion, and at times, energy. Because we are sinners, we will have moments where we will fight to have our way, to advance our own personal kingdom and agendas. Because we are sinners, we will care more about trying to conform our spouse rather than focusing on transforming ourselves. Being sinners will cause fights within our marriage.

Are we left helpless? Does the gospel inform us on how to navigate this?

I want to list some ways that the gospel can help us as individuals, and as couples, to navigate the times when we are arguing or fighting with one another. I wish I could say I have mastered these and have no problem with them, but I cannot. This list goes out to broken people from a broken person. May we all learn to apply these.

1. Remember that it was God the Father's providence and plan that brought you together with your spouse. This is important to remember when you are thinking, "what the heck have I done in marrying this person?!?" You committed, before God, for the long-haul; that means the "d" word has no place in our vocabulary.

2. Understand that the purposes of marriage are to glorify God and to sanctify one another. What does this mean? It means that you are called to glorify God through your marriage, but it also means that God is sanctifying you (transforming your character) through your marriage. Sometimes sanctification hurts because it requires we die to selfish tendencies. Embrace it.

3. Communicate to your spouse in a way that acknowledges they are a child of God. It is okay to clearly tell how you feel to your spouse when upset, but do it with intent to communicate not instigate, condemn, or tear-down. We do not avoid having conversations about how we feel as Christian couples, but the way we communicate aims at seeing a productive result, not tearing the other down or creating a fight. We have to remember their value in the eyes of God before we sin against God in our communication to them.

4. Commit to only speaking to your spouse in such a way that is glorifying to God. In other words, make sure that the words, tone, and attitude behind your speech would be something glorifying and pleasing to God. The Bibles says in 1 Cor. 10:31 "so whether eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." This includes our communication with our spouse. If you are too angry to do this properly, then you should begin praying for God to help give you strength, self-control, and patience to only speak to them in a way that glorifies Him.

5. Extend grace & forgiveness to one another with the lavishness that God has extended it to you. God has given us (followers of Jesus) grace. This grace has forgiven us of our sins though we deserve the most severe of punishments. If you struggle to give grace and forgiveness to your spouse when they mess up, just ask yourself why you believe you deserve grace and forgiveness from God for your daily mess-ups.

6. Give love to one another unconditionally, even when it is undeserved. Why should we do this? God has loved us through Christ with unconditional love. We did not earn His love, we received it unconditionally. Even when we mess up, God does not take His love away from us. We cannot operate with a conditional love toward one another by only showing our love when the other has done something to merit it.

7. Trust Jesus Christ to be sufficient to meet our needs as we have struggles. We often run to a million other things when we are having problems. Jesus wants us to come to him. We must not see Jesus as someone we only run to when we have religious questions. He desires to be our strength in times of weakness. He desires to be the first one we turn to, not the last.

8. Look to the power of Holy Spirit to help you in the midst of your arguments. In the heat of the moment our flesh desires to be right, to get the last word, to hurt the other's feelings, and so on. We must instead ask prayerfully for the Holy Spirit to be our guide, to be the Great Helper He was promised to be in Scripture. The fruit of the Holy Spirit's work will include: patience, self-control, and selflessness. These things are needed in our marriages.

These are just a handful of ways that the gospel informs how we are navigate arguments with our spouse. In the end, Christians should be modeling a different way of approaching marriage, not mirroring everyone else in the world. The way we do this is looking to Christ and seeing how the Scriptures inform what the gospel requires of us in any situation. This includes how to fight in our marriages.

Leave a comment below: Which of these is the most helpful to you and why? Why do you feel we forget as Christians that the gospel speaks to how we should handle conflict with one another?


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Women Submit, Men Check-out

 
I know that the title of my post is exaggerated. I'm very aware that not all women submit and not all men check-out. The husband/wife dynamic is an interesting one to say the least. Throw into the mix the standards by which God expects us to uphold within that relationship according to the Scriptures and you have yourself a mess. The Scriptures in Ephesians 5 lays out the standard by which husbands and wives are to relate to one another. The popular passage from this chapter is tells wives to submit to their husbands. Every man, Christian and non-Christian, has likely quoted that passage to his wife at some point in their relationship, only to have her chirp back with something clever in return, leaving him grasping for a reply.

The Bible does tell women to submit to their husband's leadership in the home. The wife is supposed to respect her husband and fall under his leadership. The problem is: most guys do not lead in such a way that merits their wives to submit to them. Most guys checkout of their role as husbands and leaders of the home. The Bible gives men an even more difficult role than wives. The Bible says for men to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Christ gave his life for the church, and this is the example given for how husbands should love and honor their wives. 1 Peter 3:7 even tells us that the prayers of the man who doesn't honor his wife will be hindered. In other words, being the man God has called you to be to your wife and children is a HUGE responsibility.

Back to the Garden

I want to wrap up this post with a reminder of the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Who ate from the forbidden tree? Eve. However, Adam, who was checked-out, was there beside her. Eve is having a conversation concerning their obedience with the serpent and Adam is sitting by passively. Eve eats of the forbidden fruit, and gives some to Adam too. Then they recognize their sin, hide from God, and await what they know will be a dreadful encounter. What happens next? God comes and they are hiding. God addresses the issue. Who does God question about the incident? Eve? No. "What have you done?," is asked of Adam, the husband. God went to the leader of the family and made him given an account. Eve was the culprit, and God was fully aware of this, but He went to the man, the husband, and held him responsible.

Men, are you checked-out at home? Step up. Quit playing it safe from the sidelines and be the man your wife wants and needs you to be. Wives, submit to your husbands, even when they fail in their leadership. Don't chastise him or belittle him. Let him lead, be supportive, encourage him to lead as God desires. This is the picture of the marriage God designed to exist. We need to relearn what healthy relationships look like and quit defining the parameters for ourselves.

Confessions of a Pastor Who's Still Learning

I'm a lousy spiritual leader in my home.

I think I needed to start the post by just getting that out of the way. I'm a pastor who can lead and shepherd and care with the best of them, but I have felt a conviction from God lately that I'm not doing all I should/could be doing to take my home to the next level. Now don't get me wrong. We are not a pagan household. I do regular discipleship with my son. We will pray as a family and we have no problem talking about God. You see my problem is not with the family, it is with my wife. I don't feel that I'm doing enough to help us to grow as ONE spiritually. I don't want to sit down and teach her the Bible like I'm leading a class, because the last thing she wants is to feel like I'm making her go to school. I have had a hard time finding good marriage devotional. So I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to help create and foster that time for us.

There are also fears attached to this. I have never seen this modeled for me in my life, so much of it is going to be starting from scratch. I fear some of the levels of vulnerability that it is going to require. I fear not doing a good job. I simply want to be better, and I know it is going to require some changes of my habits.

I started by confessing and repenting before God, then I sat down and talked to my wife and apologized and told her my conviction. Thankfully she is desirous of a deeper intimacy together as well through our walk with God. Now comes the hard part: doing it. If you have suggestions as to what you do as a husband and wife, I'd love to hear it. If you have a devotional that have seemed to work well, leave a comment and let me know.

Do you find yourself struggling with this? Why do you think this is such a hard thing for us to do in our marriages?