Half-Butt Apologies

"Kaleigh, did you hit Wyatt?"

"He is being mean to me!"

"Did you hit him? Yes or No?"

"Yes," she poutingly admits. 

"Then you need to apologize to him."

Silence.

"Kaleigh, tell him you are sorry, now."

"Sorry."

This is not atypical to what is bound to happen whenever my four year old daughter and her four year old cousin get together. And you have seen this unfold before too. You get on to your kid and have them apologize to their friend, cousin, or sibling, and they do. But do you ever notice they do not appear very sorry at all? In fact, their apology is begrudging. If words could smack the taste out of someone's mouth, that is what many of these apologies amount to.

We somewhat expect kids to do this. They don't want to apologize. They only do it because we make them. We just assume (or hope) they will one day learn to be genuine when they make mistakes. We tell ourselves they will mature and learn to take responsibility for their actions. They will learn to apologize when they wrong someone. 

Fast forward the clocks.

We are those kids. 

We suck at apologizing. In fact, some people have gone years without apologizng to those whom they have hurt. Many just wait for things to blow over or go away and then pretend like everything is normal. Others attempt to apologize, but when you investigate the apology, it isn't actually an apology. 

Let me explain. 

If you say something offensive to someone and it hurts their feelings, you should say to them, "I'm sorry I said that, it was wrong and hurtful. I apologize." That is an apology. 

What you should not say is, "I'm sorry that you got your feelings hurt." This is not an apology. It is an effort to put responsibility on the person whose feelings were hurt, instead of your actions. You said something hurtful, but instead of owning it, you are shifting the blame on the other person. "I'm sorry that you got your feelings hurt," is making them to blame for the relational conflict or impasse. Interestingly, when the person who has been offended doesn't feel the apology was adequate or genuine (because it wasn't), the offender will say something like, "Well, I apologized, I don't know what it else you want me to do."

Beware. This can happen in your marriage, with your friends, with co-workers, with family members, and the list goes on. If we do not learn to truly apologize when we hurt others, it will damage these relationships and produce bitterness, resentment, and anger.

This is how many people approach "apologizing" these days. Not many are willing to take responsibility for their mistakes and missteps. I want to challenge us to learn to take responsibility for our actions. It is not an expectation that anyone will be perfect. So instead of refusing to take ownership of our faults and apologizing to those we hurt with them, let's be reminded we no longer have to maintain a front of perfection. 

If there are people in your life today that you need to say "sorry" to or give an extensive apology, then do it. Just be sure your apology doesn't like the 4 year old doing what daddy told her to do.

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5 Everyday Sins That Stunt Spiritual Growth

When many of us think of sin, we think of big things: murder, adultery, perhaps idol worship. In our own minds we rank those sins up there as the big dogs. Unfortunately, when we make this type of distinction, we actually desensitize ourselves to the reality that we sin everyday in many different ways. Each of these sins are real sins which contain the power to separate us eternally from a holy God and required the sending of Jesus to sacrificially atone for at the cross. These sins, when not dealt with, can stunt the growth of a Christian, and will stand to condemn the unbeliever. 

In this post I want to highlight 5 common, everyday sins we need to be aware of, begin to identify in our lives, and repent from. 

1. Worry -- Everyone has worried at some point. Some people live in constant worry. Worry is a sin. At the root of worry is unbelief in the reality that God cares for His children and provides for them. Jesus speaks of this in Matthew 6 when he teaches that God sovereignly cares for the birds of the air, feeding them, and aware of their livelihood. He then concludes by asking, "How much more valuable are you than the birds?" Jesus' argument is that worry is silly. First, your God is sovereign over everything, including your life. He even knows the number of hairs on your head. Second, worry is the result of not knowing something or not being in control of something. When we recognize we are not in control of something, it can produce worry; however, this is where faith should be present. We should put our faith in the Lord, who knows all things and rules with power over them.

Confess that you are a worrier, admit that it is sin against God, and repent from worrying by placing complete trust of your life in God's hands, knowing He is good, wise, and powerful.

2. Loose Lips -- What do I mean by loose lips? A number of sins can emerge from loose lips: gossiping about others, slander, lying, and angry outbursts. All of these are examples of sins that flow from loose lips. James 3:5-6 speaks of the tongue being able to set fires. This is metaphoric for the great damage the tongue can do when not tamed. If we do not learn to tame our tongue, it can damage relationships, cause us trouble when angrily lash out at people, or lead us to lie our way out of accountability for things we have said or done. Many things on a daily basis come out of our mouths that are not glorifying to God or encouraging to people around us.

Confess that your mouth causes you problems, admit that it is sin against God, and repent by watching closely what things you speak and in what manner you speak them. Train yourself to ask the question: would I say this if Jesus were present with me in this room? (By the way, he is.)

3. Poor Stewardship -- This issue, like the last one, has multiple components that may be present. Poor stewardship is our mismanagement of all that God has given us. This manifest itself through mismanagement of our money, time, resources, and spiritual gifts. This may look like wasteful spending. It could look like failure to serve God with your gifts and talents. It may be failure to tithe your money to a local church as Scripture outlines. Or it could manifest itself in laziness. Maybe you complain about wanting to spend more time in the Word or prayer, but you waste countless hours on Facebook, Twitter, or Pintrest. Jesus tells the parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-30) to remind us that he who manages well what he has been given, will be given more. Those who waste and squander will have what they've been given taken away. 

Confess that you have been guilty of poor stewardship, admit that it is sin against God, and repent by evaluating all the areas you have been given to steward (time, money, gifts, resources) and make the changes needed in these areas to bring them into alignment with God's will and Word.

4. Unforgiving -- Many sin daily by holding grudges against people and failing to forgive. Not forgiving others who have hurt us is sinful. Why? Because those who have been forgiving infinitely more by God Almighty, have no grounds or right to withhold forgiveness from others. No matter how wronged you have been, you still have not been sinned against the way each of us have sinned against a holy and perfect God. In fact, Jesus says in Matthew 18 if we fail to forgive others, we will not be forgiven. It is that big of a deal. Many think forgiveness means reconciliation, but it is not (more about this here).  

Confess that you struggle with being unforgiving, admit that it is sin against God, and repent by taking your struggle to forgive to God, ask God to be your vindicator, and release the person or people who have hurt you by choosing to no longer let their actions hurt and define you. 

5. Lack of self-control -- One of the fruits of the spirit is self-control. This is not talked about a lot in church. There are not many books written on this subject. However, self-control or lack of it, is at the heart of many struggles people face. Whether it is our eating habits, exercise routines, how we dress, the way we represent ourselves on the internet, or many other issues, self-control is often at the heart of whether we're honoring God or sinning. Self-control helps us to be slow to act. It aides us from having to immediately give our opinion or saying things we will later regret. Self-control is important in a marriage. If there is a lack of self-control with one or both people, it can cause serious problems. This issue plays out in different ways with different people. 

Confess that you need more self-control, admit that it is sin against God, and repent by beginning to lean more heavily on the grace that God supplies when we seek Him in prayer for help in this area. Rely on the Spirit's power, available to all believers, to begin operating with more self-control in your life.

With all of these everyday sins, it can be helpful to enlist the help of a friend or loved one that can offer accountability and ask hard questions. With the grace of God, the forgiveness Christ offers, and the Spirit's power, we can labor to rid our lives of these issues. I believe our lives would look very different, and our spiritual growth would be noticeable, if we dealt with these common issues. I invite you to join me in making these issues a priority. 

This list is not exhaustive. If you can think of other everyday sins that you or others struggle with, list them in the comments below. 

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Struggling to Forgive

If you are like me, you have struggled at times to forgive people. People can say and do a number of things that hurt us. We all like to act tough and pretend as though things don't phase us. This is an act. We are tender people when it comes down to it. 

Things people may do that causes hurts includes: talking about you behind your back, saying something offensive, failing to live up to a commitment or expectation, lying to you, ignoring you, acting rude to you, doing something that brings physical harm to you or a loved one, and on the list goes. There is no end to the things that can hurt us. 

Are we to live constantly frustrated and angered at those who hurt us? Only if we want to live miserable lives. Failing to forgive those who hurt us does not get back at the one who caused the pain, it perpetuates our hurts. Being unable to forgive others only drowns us in a sea of despair and bitterness which leads us to feel worse about ourselves and our lives.

What is forgiveness?

It is important to understand the meaning of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not saying that what someone did is okay. Forgiveness is not pretending that something did not hurt you. Forgiveness is not acting like something did not happen. No, forgiveness understands that someones actions were wrong, hurtful, and did happen, but refuses to be held captive by those actions. 

Forgiveness is about cutting oneself loose from the hurtful actions of others. Forgiveness is about releasing the anger, bitterness, resent, and desire to hurt back. Forgiveness recognizes that no one is perfect, including ourselves, and chooses to pardon people for their wrongdoing. This naturally leads to an important question.

Why should we forgive?

Why should we let people off the hook who have hurt us? This is a question we wrestle with in dealing with forgiveness. We want people to feel the pain we feel. When someone hurts us, we want them to hurt too. This attitude is toxic. This type of attitude does massive damage to us emotionally. When we live to strike back at those who have hurt us, we quit living. 

Those unwilling to forgive others live miserable lives. The reason for this is they are chained to the hurtful actions of others. Instead of living life and moving on, they remain trapped in a state of resentment and vindictiveness. This is emotionally draining and physically exhausting. Choosing not to forgive others is a guaranteed way of being unhappy. 

In addition to the things stated, forgiveness is something God demands we give to others. Christ told us in Matthew 6 that we must forgive others of their trespasses or our own trespasses will not be forgiven. That is a massive reason for forgiving others. If we desire God to forgive our sins, we must learn to pardon the sins of those who hurt us. This is a major part of our discipleship and sanctification process as followers of Jesus.

How do we forgive? 

So what do we do? How can we go about forgiving others that have hurt us? I believe the first important step is realizing how much you have forgiven through Christ. If you are a Christian, all of your sin has been forgiven by God through Jesus. You did not earn your forgiveness, it was given. In light of that, we too should forgiven others. We should not force people to earn forgiveness. We should give it in the same way it was given to us. 

A second thing to remember is that other people have forgiven you when you have made mistakes. Just imagine if everyone you have hurt or offended continued to hold it against you. We would all have a lot of enemies if that happened. We should forgive others just as many have forgiven us. 

Lastly, forgiving others begins vertically as we take our hurts to God. We pray for God to heal our broken hearts. We ask God to give us strength to forgive. We ask for God to be the vindicator where we have been wronged. Once we have taken our issues vertical to God (which could be a long process), we are then able to extend forgiveness horizontally to others (even if we never see them again). 

Closing Thoughts

Forgiveness is something we want others to extend to us, but we often struggle to extend it to others. We act hypocritically when we expect people to readily forgive us and give us the benefit of the doubt, but when we are wronged we want to press full charges. We should be graceful people. Of all people, Christians should be the most eager and quick to forgive. We have been forgiven much.

A last thought: forgiveness does not mean that you pretend to be best friends with those who hurt you. Forgiveness does not always equal reconciliation. In order for reconciliation to occur, there needs to be repentance. Without repentance it is hard to reconcile hurts. The one who has offended or injured is responsible for apologizing and repenting. However, forgiveness is the choice of the person who is wronged. We cannot control people apologizing or repenting from hurting us, but we can forgive. I say, and more importantly, the Bible says we should do this liberally. 

Questions to ponder: Who in your life do you need to forgive? What do you need to do in light of this post to begin that process? Who in your life should you apologize to for things you have said or done? 


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Forgiveness in the Midst of Tragedy

I am speaking about forgiveness today at Fuge Camps to over 1000 students. The subject is important to me because I have had to learn some tough lessons about it. I wrote today on Consuming Grace about my journey of learning to forgive the doctor who removed Kaleb's kidneys by accident. This was a difficult road, but one that was worth all the pain.

My story is not the only remarkable story of forgiveness. I watched a video today of another remarkable story. It is the story of young woman who was raped and had to learn how to forgive the one who did it. Take a look at her story, and the let God work on your heart about those in your life that need forgiveness.

Let God speak to you today on the issue of forgiving those who hurt you. There is freedom in Christ from all the bondage we experience, including the bondage of our past hurts.